Blogs By Emily

2009-05-27T11:47:00.002-05:00

Hey Everyone!

It has been a long time since my last post. I must admit that I have been pulled toward the other side (Facbook) ;) Things have been well.
I have received my college ring! Yea!!!!! The ceremony was about a month ago. All my loved ones were there, it was so fulfilling. So even though I still have one more semester left I am proudly wearing my ring. I am still worried about what I will be doing afterward. I am not sure, but have been looking for employment. I am sure it will work out.
Avani is doing awesome! She had her first birthday in May. It was so peaceful and enjoyable. We brought a cake, some gifts and decorated. When she woke up from her nap we surprised her. It was beautiful. I am so thankful that she is healthy and has blessed us with her presence.
The kids are almost out of school for the summer. I enrolled them in a art program and I am so excited about what they will learn.
For the most part things have been great. I just wanted to give all of you a small update. Peace.

Brief Update

2009-05-09T21:53:00.002-05:00

It's been a while since my last posting. Things have been good. The kids are great and healthy. Avani's cardiologist said that Avani wont be needing surgery within the next few months, which is great. The semester is over and I am relieved! Unfortunately I did not get accepted into grad school, but I have taken that news easier than I thought I would. I guess I will be heading for plan B. Other than that things have been positive. I got my first poem published in April! It was published in the literary journal at UTSA called the Sagebrush Review. I am so happy.

Avani's First Easter

2009-04-12T21:53:00.005-05:00

Today was Avani's first Easter. We took her to church, and surprisingly she was entertained and behaved great! We then took her out to eat at my favorite restaurant. (Did you get the joke :)). I am so thankful and grateful to have spent her first Easter with her.

Last Thursday was her cardiologist appointment, which turned out super! No expected surgeries for the next two months. Her cardiologist said that Avani looks great and is a healthy thriving baby. You can't imagine how much those words meant to me. Avani will almost be 1 year old; I can't believe how much of a blessing she is. I love her so much.

Erik and Haley spent Easter weekend with their Dad. They had a great time, like they always do. Haley's birthday is coming up within a couple of weeks, she will be 7!!!! Erik and Haley are truly my best friends.

Happy Easter everyone!

Spring Break '09

2009-03-20T15:31:00.004-05:00

Spring break was great. Despite the rain during the end, we had an awesome time visiting the San Antonio Zoo, Six Flags and just hanging out at home. Definitely one of the best vacations we have had in a long time.

It's about time....

2009-03-08T21:36:00.006-05:00

It's about time that I publicly thank someone. I want to thank him for all the UNCONDITIONAL love that he has given me. I want to say thank you, thank you for being by my side when there was no one else. During my worst, he was there; thank you. He took care of me when I needed to be taken care of the most. Pregnant and sad, he came into my life. I know that God loves me cause this man is still here providing me with the same love and care since the beginning. He didn't have to endure the turmoil that I went through, but he did; thank you. He has since been faithful and loving to me and my children. I've been afraid of publicly thanking him, worried that I would speak to soon and then he would leave, but he hasn't. Thank you. He has been a great partner, has taught me that there is such a thing called 'normal' relationships. He's taught me that there is no rushing life, he will always be here. He's taught me patience, and how to respect myself. I never thought that I would meet someone so special, who would respect me, my body, my family and my dreams. Thank you for loving me the way I needed to be loved.

2009-03-03T19:12:00.004-06:00

The Joys of Motherhood Part II

In younger years I thought life wasn't complete if there was no bar hopping, binge drinking, and morning hangovers.
Now life is so much fulfilling with you by my side, wanting me so much, and me wanting you
a yearning that only a child and parent feel exceeds those one has with lovers.

I didn't give up my life, I just realized the meaning of it.

watching you look at me, I wonder if I can exceed all that I want to be

for you.

Cause I love you.

At 18 I thought life was done, cause I found out I was filled with my son.
At 21 I thought I was given the short end of the stick, cause I was pregnant and sick.
At 28 God taught me a hard lesson, and gave me a new creature of life-but almost took her away.
Then I realized how I should be spending my days- cherishing the love between them and I.

I didn't give up my life, I just realized the meaning of it.

watching you look at me, I wonder if I can exceed all that I want to be

for you.

Cause I love you.

Hopeless on Men.

2009-03-02T19:20:00.003-06:00

What makes it ok for young men to make sexual comments to young women? Am I the only one who thinks that it's wrong, and to demand respect?
Walking to class I passed by some classmates, three girls and one guy. Well, the girls were laughing because the guy, I am assuming, used the word "tities" (if that's how you spell it). In any event, as I walked by one of the girls said to him "who told you you can use that word", the mood was obviously humor. I had just had a previous class with him, where I had to present a lesson to the class about word usage and what's appropriate. So, I said in passing "hey (I wont say his name) what did I just teach you in class?". He said "you taught me that tities are good". I was a little taken back and told him that I did not teach him that. His response was "Oh, I forgot, it wasn't in class".
Now mind you, this is a college senior in his 30's. You would think that by now he would of grown up. I tried to brush the comment off, but it bothered me like hell!! I emailed him to let him know it.
I just think that men get away with saying sexual comments like that too easily. It's about time women step up and demand respect!

What to do?

2009-02-21T23:27:00.002-06:00

I am stuck in what path to take at the end of the year. I am suppose to graduate this December (yeah!) but I have no idea what I am going to do afterward! I applied to graduate school, but worried that I wont get in. I could work, but who wants to go to four years of college to get an entry-level position. I have taken my LSAT and am thinking about law school. I was also considering staying as an undergraduate one more year (to get my science classes) and then apply to medical school. What to do? What to do?
With this huge decision in front of me, I am also worried about the kids. How will they feel with my decision. What to do?

2009-02-14T13:24:00.003-06:00

The Joys Of Motherhood~

Seeing my children faces erases all the pain I've gone through.
Momentary Joy.
Then reality sets in my baby is not a toy, I am the one providing nourishment, and a home, and the clothes, and happiness, and religion, and..... I'm tired-
I need a break.
My friends- oh wait- don't have any. No one wants to hang-out and smell the dirty diapers in the bin, trip over the dirty laundry on the floor, and they just might get some leftover syrup from this mornings waffles on their elbows if they sit at the table.
Loneliness is the secret lover of Motherhood.
No, it's not so bad because the moments of happiness are good, but what about sleep?
Deep sleep, sleep deep.... no I don't know what that is.
"Doctor, I need help! I haven't slept in months!"
"Take Ambian"
"But doctor, then I wont be able to feed the baby at night."
"Who told you to have so many kids!"
No one.
Immaculate conception. Yes, yes..that's what happened to me
and I am alone.

Avani is a big girl now!

2009-01-14T21:31:00.003-06:00

My little angel in her big highchair being a big girl at the dinner table.
She loves to eat her vegetables and fruit. She even is wanting to drink from a sippy cup. She is so beautiful. I am happy that God sent her to join me and my other beautiful kids.

Bad Night

2009-01-10T00:14:00.003-06:00

Things have been stressful this past week. I have been feeling anxious and worried about everything. I am so worried about not doing well in school this semester, worried about how Avani will do in daycare and if she will feel bad, worried about what I am going to do when I graduate and where will I live, feeling lonely, overwhelmed and frustrated. For instance, right now I could be getting some much needed sleep, but instead I am up just over-thinking everything. I feel all messed up in my mind. I cried so much tonight, picked so much of my skin, and obsessed over everything. I usually hide during times that I feel like this, but I am trying not to do that and instead thought I could write about it. Things haven't been easy lately and I think that it is all finally catching up with me emotionally.

The ending of 2008

2008-12-10T20:51:00.002-06:00

Things have been really good. Positive thinking does bring positive things. Lots of changes have happened recently, however I've been handling them amazingly well. Thanksgiving was one of my best Thanksgivings that I have had in a long time. I got to spend it with all my children, and I was so happy to spend it with Avani healthy and at home.
Avani has been doing so well since her last open-heart. She is gaining about a pound a month and is getting really tall. She is now eating baby food and loves it! I am so happy with her. She now makes two syllable sounds like dada, mama and she also shakes her head "no." I am so proud of her! My angel has come a long way. She is a fighter and little does she realize that her fighting is the best gift I have ever received. I love her so much.
Haley and Erik are doing great also! They are getting so big and growing up so fast. I love the fact that I can really have great conversations with them. They have been my little helpers in life. Always cheering me up and reminding me of how innocent they are. I love them dearly.
School is going. This semester is wrapping up and final grades will be in pretty soon. I am just praying that I get better grades then last semester.
Overall the year is ending on a better note than last year ( I am so thankful). Last year was a pretty tough and lonely year- but God has blessed me with so much love this time around.

Becoming The Woman I Have Not Yet Become

2008-11-14T23:36:00.002-06:00

I am not whole
Even though you think I am
I am not strong
I do need a helping hand
I am not tall
But for a Puerto Rican I am
I am not independent
I have relied on a man

With all the things
That I am not
I have tried to change
I have tried to stop

I have come from bricks
To the country hills
I use to sleep to the sounds of the el
Now my nights are so still

I have been left behind
By the womb I laid in
I have unlearned the pain
Of my mothers sin.

I have been married off
For the sake of face
While crying at the alter
I was ordered to take my place

I have put my happiness
In the hands of an evil soul
That was disguised as an angel
My heart he stole

But I took it back
Fought tooth and nail
I have reclaimed my heart
From the satanic male.

I have given life
Three times around
36 hours of pain
But a love so profound.
Their eyes so innocent
Knowing not what’s to come
If they become gentle and strong
Then my job is done.
Protection is what I give
Trying to lead them right
Showing them where I came from
They are still watching my fight.

Exhaustion has become
A lingering ghost
It is consuming my body
My body has become its host

I am a fighter
That I can claim
I have worked so hard
I have lived up to my name

I haven’t forgotten
Where I came from
Confusion of where I’m going
Is what’s weighing a ton.

I am a mother
A role I enjoy the most
A job I do well
I deserve a toast.

I am Latina
Even though it’s not my first tongue
I would never deny
Where my heritage is from.

I am a student
Absorbing knowledge my goal
It’s in my veins
The urge to always want to know.

I am an artist

A prentice, I would say
So many that I admire
Hoping to meet their standards one day.

I am a lover
Sensual and soft
Even though I have been hurt
It’s a trait I haven’t lost.

What am I?
All woman, is my reply
My lips still plump
Eyes still wide
My curvy body
I could never hide

What am I?
All woman, is my reply
A heart mended twice
A soul that has untwined
From pain I held on to
Pain I only claimed mine.

Where I am going
I cannot see
But a strong whole woman
Is what I strive to be.

Lost and Hopefully Someday Found

2008-10-04T21:43:00.004-05:00

Sometimes I ask, what am I working for?
Why try so hard and sacrifice?
When all it does is turn me cold as ice.

I am not the person I use to be.
Taking for granted everything.
Now I don't even shed a tear.

I wish they knew how much I try
I don't see a clue in their eyes; they have no idea.
Of how much I hurt and fear.

I pray that this is worth all the struggle
That there is an underlining cause.
I just want to be that person that I once was.

Just a brief update

2008-09-25T22:25:00.002-05:00

Hey, it's been a while. I have been so overloaded between school and the kids. For instance, right now I should be doing work, but I am taking a break.

Things have been up and down these past weeks. Turns out that Avani didn't do that well with her second surgery. So, instead of putting her through more catheterizations the doctors feel that open-heart surgery again would be her best shot. I am filled with different emotions. I am so sad that she will have to fight through another major surgery, I am also so sad and worried. I am scared that these last two weeks might be the last I have with her. I know that everyone wants me to be positive, but this is what I fear the most. I love her so much and will do anything for her to just be healthy. I look in her eyes and pretty face and remember what she looked like in the hospital during her first surgery and feel so depressed to know she will look that way again. No one really understands the depthness of my solitude and worry. I just pray to God that she gets through this again. I know that she needs it because I can see her struggle everyday. Every day she gets more tired than the next and sweats more and more all because her heart is working over-time.

I also got some bad news about my other daughter Haley. During the weekend while I was listening to Avani's heart, Haley asked me to listen to hers. When I did I noticed that her beats were irregular. So, I made a appointment with her ped dr. The echo turned out with a diagnosis of borderline prolonged QT. This is the time that it takes for a persons heart to charge for the next beat; Haley's is taking too long. So, like always I researched it and found not so uplifting news. Hopefully the cardiologist calls me soon so that Haley can be seen again and we can fix this.

I never thought life would turn out the way it has. I don't want to complain anymore because I know that God can make it worst.

Other than that, school has been ok. I am doing better with keeping up with assignments than I thought I would. I met author Ilan Stavans the other night. Great author who has published more than 30 books. He gave me some great criticism and advice. I love meeting authors and talking with them on a personal level. I just hope that I make a good enough impression for them to remember me. I have met Sandra Cisneros, Julia Alvarez, John Santos and Ilan Stavans. I know I am throwing out names, but I feel so honored and proud to have met them. Hopefully one day I will be as accomplished as they are.

Clarifying the term "Hispanic"

2008-09-10T20:01:00.003-05:00

Well, I will start off by saying that Avani did well with her surgery. The doctors were not able to achieve the maximum desire of expanding her valves, but they expanded them enough to keep her well for at least a couple of months. At first I was dismayed, but with time I realized that it's better than nothing. So, I am happy that Avani is happy for now, and doing well.
Today was an interesting day at school, and I must use my blog as an outlet to vent.
We are currently studying the effects that schooling has on modern day America. Specifically studying the effects that it has on us, as students and different established writer's in their careers as well as personal experiences.
My groups author is Gloria Anzaldua. for those who are not familiar with her, she was a Chicana writer that wrote about her experiences of being not American, yet not Mexican, but something in between. She specifically wrote about the use of language in her life. She validates the use of 'Spanglish' and tries to get her audience to understand that there is a culture between the later.
Well, in talking with some of my peers, I was surprised at some of their reactions. Most of the white students were not receptive to her views. They felt that she was forcing her culture upon her audience with a "in your face" attitude. They continued to say that she was too blunt and instead of intellectual writings they were considered more to be rants. I was appalled.
As you may already know, I am Puerto Rican. And even though I can not relate exactly to what Anzaldua writes about, as a fellow female Hispanic I commend and praise her. She had the guts and intelligence to make a name of herself by being upfront and provocative. So, needless to say I was trying my best not to take the negative responses from my peers toward her writings personally.
One of my peers touched too close to home when she replied to a question that was brought to us, "why does Anzaldua write in Spanglish?", her response was, "maybe she does so that she can reach those who are uneducated and don't know English." What!!!!!
At first I ignored my peer's comment, but when she raised it during group work I couldn't help to ask where did she get this idea from. Her response was, from another fellow peer (who happens to be Hispanic). I felt compelled to confront my fellow brother and clarify the situation. His response was, that Anzaldua was trying to reach the bi-lingual community; those who spoke neither Spanish or English. O.K, I thought. This was a valid opinion. So responding to my peer that misconstrued his opinion, I let her know that she just did that. I told her that the word "uneducated" was insulting. Well, she apologized and went on to say, "if we weren't even in San Antonio we wouldn't be reading her work. Her work is not read up North cause no one can relate." I thought that their must be some truth to this, but it doesn't take away how great Anzaldua's work is. I proceeded to tell her that I thought her work was fabulous even though I can't personally relate. She couldn't understand why I felt I couldn't relate, because I am Hispanic. I explained that I am Hispanic, but more importantly Puerto Rican and I have not experienced any of what Anzaldua talks about. My peer insisted that that was not true. That I must feel like I am torn between two worlds, Hispanic and American. I clarified to her that not all Hispanics are Mexican, she was confused. In the end I think that I intimidated her more than helped. I couldn't help it, I am passionate about my heritage and the art of writing.
In the mist of this discussion another male peer felt the need to interrupt and say "and you are going to say that the stereotype of all Puerto Ricans having tempers, is not true?" For his safety, I chose to brush him off.
Since the beginning of my attendance at UTSA in 2006, I have been confronted with this type of scenario. This being odd since UTSA is rated number one for having the most Hispanics. It's clear to me that not all Hispanics understand that not every Hispanic is Mexican, and there is a world outside of Texas consisting of other types of Hispanics. So I decided to chart it out for all those who are confused:

Hispanics
|
Mexicans, Puerto Ricans, Cubans, Dominicans, Nicaraguans, Guatemalans, El Salvadorans, Panamanians,Hondurans, Costa Ricans, Colombians, Venezuelans,Peruvians, Bolivians, Argentinians, Chileans, Paraguayans, Uruguayans, Ecuadorians.

Latinos
|
All of the above people and Brazilians, Guyanese, Surinamese

Spanish
|
Spaniards

Caribbeans
|
Puerto Ricans, Dominicans and Cubans

Please note that this is just from what I know, and that any individual has the right to place themselves in any category that they feel they belong to.
Also, that each individual country also has their individual name for their people IE;
Boriqua (after the indigenous Indians)-Puerto Ricans
Chicanos- Mix between Mexican and it's indigenous Indians, plus American

I hope this clarifies those who have been confused. It's a insult to assume anyone a race that they're not and then dismiss the thought that there is a difference. I am sure that the French wouldn't want to be grouped with the Germans just because of their skin color.

I am trying to be SuperWoman

2008-08-28T21:50:00.004-05:00

This morning I got a call from the scheduling department at Avani's hospital, saying that she is scheduled for another heart surgery tomorrow. I knew that it was in the works, it just hit me unexpectedly.
I hate this. I know that its for her good, but I hate it. I don't know whats worst, watching her in pain before and after surgery or seeing her struggle for a breath. I just know that this isn't probably going to be her last surgery. It kills me. I want her just to be healthy. Funny, I use to disregard the end of holiday cards when signed "wishing you the best of health" now I hold that in the highest degree.
I am so sad and struggle with my thoughts and feelings about her health. Sometimes I don't think that I am equipped emotionally to be the best mother for her.
All I can say is that this is the hardest thing that I have ever dealt with. My innocent baby girl was given less than a chance for no good reason. Why?
She deserves the same chance that my other kids got. I told her sister today that she would be going back to the hospital for a short time again, she started crying. I wanted to cry to. But I have to be "SuperWoman".
"God I hope you hear me, please please get Avani through this. Please fix her heart and keep her healthy. Please God, I beg you."
How long can I keep this on? I have no idea how long I can continue to be "SuperWoman". I am tired. But I have to be that cause if I am not then who will fight for my babies.

A happier post.

2008-08-27T22:10:00.002-05:00

Today was my first day of my fall semester. I have a very busy schedule and hope that I can keep up with my few personal pleasures. I'm taking 16 hours and must complete the semester (with passing grades). I am really nervous about keeping on top of school with Avani's sickness. I am worried that I might not be able to be with her if something horrible happens. And since I am totally dependent on school loans dropping is not a option. Everything seems to be in place though, her dad watches her when I am in school and hopefully the health insurance approves a nurse. I just want the best for all my kids, and I know that I have to be able to finish school in order to do that. Sometimes the guilt is so overwhelming.
Haley and Erik had a great time starting school. There was a little bump, during a physical activity haley's undergarment showed at the top of her jeans and some of the kids laughed at her. She walked through my house door crying that she was embarrassed. I felt so bad. But other than that everything went well.
Otherwise things are normal here. Still haven't gotten much sleep but I have been forcing myself to bed before 1 AM.
Someone mentioned to me that reading my blogs made him depressed and he would like it if I write "happy" posts. I thought about what he said cause I do admit that most of my writings are depressing. But then I realized when I am happy I am to busy enjoying that feeling. But I am conscious of it and will be working on that...

My three Angels

When I am lonely and depressed
tired and stressed
no matter how my day is spent
they have always been my god sent.
So easy to forgive with joy in their eyes
quick to love and never despise
they embrace me with so much love and adoration
little do they realize that they are my salvation.

I hope this is happier :)

2008-08-25T11:41:00.001-05:00

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

First day of school

2008-08-25T10:29:00.002-05:00

Today was the kids first day of school. They were so excited all day yesterday to the point that my son couldn't fall asleep. I remember those days, anxious and excited about school. Erik didn't want me to walk them to school, and what use to not be a problem (holding his sisters hand) became one. The morning was o.k. I wish that I could of made it better. I woke up so stressed and moody that it was obvious. I didn't take it out on the kids but it could of been a better morning. And when I dropped him off at his class he ran in without saying goodbye. Thinking about it when I got home I started wondering if he wanted to say goodbye and I was the one that walked away. But I do know that he was happy and excited about his first day.
Haley was excited as well. She looked so cute in her outfit (I should of took pictures). She is so good to me when it comes to being affectionate so I said goodbye and gave her a kiss.
They are truly wonderful children. Healthy and always happy. Some bad moments here and there but they are so resilient.
I have been so stressed and tired its unbelievable. Hopefully everything irons out.

Avani Isabell

2008-08-22T21:58:00.001-05:00

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Special needs mom

2008-08-22T17:02:00.003-05:00

So, my day has been extremely difficult. I have been so stressed and depressed and crying. Avani is having a difficult time making bowel movements, its not constipation but something that has to do with her Di Georges syndrome. I got the medicine prescribed by her developmental doctor but it only seems to be making her belly cramp up.
Today I am running on only 3.5 hrs of sleep. I hate this. But what else can I do? I just remind myself over and over that this is all for the well being of my kids.
I wanted to use my blog space as a "getaway", something that has nothing to do with Avani's illness. But I was fooling myself. I am consumed with thoughts and feelings about what she is going through and how I am handling it. Relationships have changed, friendships have changed and I personally have changed. But I love her more than anything else in the world.
I know that this post sounds sporadic, but its in the middle of the day and I can't spend too much time on the net.

Justin Bua

2008-08-18T20:17:00.001-05:00

Justin Bua, my favorite artist. Google him and check his website out.

On Behalf of my Dear Friend

2008-08-18T19:10:00.001-05:00

Dear Mr. G,

I’ll start off by saying you don’t know me.
But I know you,
I don’t choose to.
You’re the lover of my best friend,
And I’ve heard some shit that I can’t comprehend.
Like, how you loved her and gave her tremendous hope,
Then one day to the next you became unbearable for her to cope
With.
Now please explain you’re quick hand to her face
Cause don’t sleep for a minute, I will back up her legal case.
And can you clarify why you creep at night professing you adoration
When the very next day with another girl your committing fornication!
So, my poor Mr. G
Even though you don’t know me,
I am familiar with your kind
And I suggest you take a break from your drama and clear your mind.

Thanks.

Image

2008-08-18T17:46:00.003-05:00

Any Thoughts?

I Just want to Sleep.

2008-08-17T09:19:00.000-05:00

My eyes feel so heavy from crying.
I haven't had sleep in months
I feel like I'm dieing.
My body aching from my muscles straining
just to stay awake.

My daughters heart working overtime
her scar a reminder of it
its calmness I need to find.
But guiltiness absorbs my mind,
cause its not me that needs the rest
Its my baby with that scar on her chest.

Ode to the Abuser

2008-08-14T10:20:00.000-05:00

Dear Abuser,

Thank you. Thank you for making sure that I am alone. For taking calmness, serenity and security away from me. The past four years you have found every reason to be mean and cruel to me. You have ruined important days for me and destroyed holidays and special events.
Thanks so much for always making me feel like I am so wrong. Wrong to try to move on and be happy. Thanks for making sure that I stay depressed and angry. I can count more days depressed about you than happy with you.
There was a time that I had hope for us and thought things could be different- thanks for taking that away. No matter what you think I did put my all into you. But I got nothing in return.
You don't let me talk and don't listen, I'm surprised you read this much. But thanks anyway.
Thanks for making sure that I always feel like a slut, whore, ugly and fat. Thanks. You see me as a prostitute and tell everyone that you do. Thanks for humiliating me.
Thanks for the double standard- that you can go date or be friends with whatever female you want. But I can't.
Thanks for making sure I was alone through my pregnancy. Thanks for telling me to abort and then telling people she wasn't yours. Thanks. Thanks for making me feel so low and confused when she was in my belly. There was no harder time for me than those nine months.
Thanks for making me see that the only option I have is you. That the way that you are with me will be the only thing that I will ever get from you. That you will only treat me the way you do and that is the extent of how you will ever treat me. Thanks for disappointing me.
In short thanks for making sure that I am always down and alone. You've humiliated me to the point that I want to seclude myself and managed to keep people away from me.
Again thank you for making sure that I am a single mom to my kids, cause life wont get any easier.
You probably wont care and will have said something smart in response to everything I've just said but, thanks for making sure that I know everyone is better than me.

Thank you.

Mom's High Heels

2008-08-12T20:45:00.000-05:00

I watch my daughter twirl in circles with her Easter dress on (even though its August) and wearing my high heels. She spins around holding her dress and the heels of my pumps that she's wearing drags behind her steps. I remember the days that I use to wear my moms shoes. She had late 1970's pumps that were black pleather. I didn't want to be like my mom. I mean she was gone most of the time. After the divorce from my dad, she wanted to reclaime her youth. And that meant clubbing hard. So she left me with anyone who would take me. I lived in a six story apartment building in Flushing. Just about one person on every floor of my building was someone who watched me when my mom was out. I didn't want to be like her. I wore those shoes trying to feel good about myself. "If I was just taller..prettier..maybe if I liked shoes that my mom likes she'll want me". I wore those shoes to make my fat legs that my mother said I had appear skinnier. I wore those shoes cause when my mom wore them, this look of power and confidence would come over her and I wanted to see if they could give me that. Now 20 years later I watch my daughter wearing my shoes. And I wonder why is she wearing them. I hope she doesn't feel like I did. I hope somewhere in her heart she knows she's loved, she is powerful, she has beautiful legs and she is gorgeous. I hope she knows this and I hope all she's doing is just wearing my shoes.